written @ 12:06 a.m. on October 19, 2002
I can see the sky of my world falling to the ground, crushing my very existance.
I was just informed that I only have 90 days till i find out if my life comes to a screeching halt. The answer to big question: Do we move and have a job or do we move because there are no jobs here in Flordia? I am seriously going to die I am not emotionally or physically strong enough to handle another out of state move, especially the end of my junior and beginning of my senior year. Everything i worked so hard for will just be flying out the window, well rather plunging out the window...friendships, scholorship oppurtunitys (as i have realized i do want to go to a Florida school), all of the hopes and aspirations that i have for band my senior year. Everything gone. If i move i see know reason to work anymore. Thats another thing i lose, my job, because i am sure that there will be no one else who hires me because of my crazy schedule. I hate this. I dont want to go through this again. Moving here in 7th grade was the worst thing that ever could have happend to me. I mean granteed now i love it here but that wouldnt happen this time because i would be spending only the one most important year of my high school career there. Which the first year is hell. URGH!! i cant handle this, i cant even now just thinking about it. I mean this is a pathetic reason to be bawling my eyes out right now because there is no definate answer on any of this right now, but this will have such a huge impact on my life. I cant do it, i just cant do it. Orgianlly i was gonna live with one of my friends here but my mom is like that isnt physically or finacially possible. I am would give up band to make it possible, i would work every day, i would basically do everything. I'd consider selling myself on the street to earn the money. Thats how desperate i am to not leave. I guess what only makes me more upset is the fact that when my dad was in the military and we moved around regularly my parents promised me that i would NEVER have to move in my junior or my senior year of high school. Hmmm...wait year am i? Oh thats right i am a junior. Ahhhhhhhh!!! I hate this. I finally feel like i belong after almost five years of living here only to be ripped away from everything that is dear to me.
I am gonna be going now because i feel really sick now because i came home from the game (we lost) and binged, not because of the loss of course, but because of the reason above. URGH! I just wanna crawl in a hole and die. It be easier than dealing with this.
Sara