written @ 11:53 a.m. on September 21, 2002
I feel like I am going to vomit. I feel so awful. Regret and worry are making me sick. I have fucked up yet again. just because i wasnt will to take a risk. Why couldnt i have gone out on that limb Sean told me to go out on???I was about to too, just waited too long. I really am hating myself for this because since i didnt want to take a risk and hurt someone who is very close to me I ended up hurting myself. Why did i have to wait? I wanted to act upon what i wanted but something last night happened that didnt allow me to act upon it. Why must i care so much? Argh...I should have seen this comming. I should have listened to Sean sooner. I dont know why i am dwelling on this because it is obviously too late and i missed out on something i wanted AGAIN! I am really pissed off with myself. I wish there was someway for this to work out but i am so afraid i am gonna end up losing two of the closest people to me. I give up! nothing is ever going to work out for me. If only i hated waited so long. I feel like the biggest asshole now, i did all along just because I was scared to do anything. I really hope they are happy, i really do. everything will work out. I hope....
Sara