written @ 4:54 p.m. on July 28, 2002
When you think that the week cant get any more stressful and as far from relaxing as it can be, it gets worse.
I have been at band camp all week, and was ready to enjoy a relaxing and well earned day off, when this morning my mom came in my room at 7:45am telling me to get up and go and tell my cat good bye. I was like ohkay so they just let my cat get outside in the yard and i have to go catch it now. My mom was like no sweetie it died during the night. He hadnt even turned six years old yet, his birthday is in September. Poor Patches ( sister cat from birth) has been crying and looking all over for the poor guy. I feel soo awful like it is my fault he is gone because i wasnt home at all last week to keep and eye on him like i normally do and the one time i did see him i was sitting at hte computer and i told him to go away because i was busy. I realise that he was just an animal, but he was practically the only friend i had during the time when i first moved here. He always made me feel better wiether i was just stressed out or having problems with friends, to when i got my tonsils out and i was in bed sleeping he was always there with me. I just wish i knew what caused him to die. I am not going to call Jeremy "Frog Killer" anymore, because i dont know if Blackie licked a frog, and that is the reason that Ryan and Jeremy kill frogs becuse they dont want their dogs to die. I wish i knew what happened i mean i know i cant reverse what happend but i just want to look out for Patches. I prolly sound like a freak right now, some crazy person that loves animals too much. I am not, but my cats are/were like memebers of my family. I just feel bad. I mean like i have given them enough attention. I guess i need to set my prioities straight. I guess mainly this made me think about what i would do if someone really close to me died, i dont know what i would do. I just wish that there was something that i could do to not feel so crappy. I mean i dont want to take Anatomy anymore because i have to disect a cat, this idea wasnt so bad when my cat was alive because i saw it as disecting a dead cat but comming home to see my live one. I just dont think i could do it at this moment in time. (i have never had a pet die on me) I dunno i think that what bothers me the most at this moment is that i went to church today and was completely upset and totally shocked, puffy and teary eyed and none of my "church friends" noticed anything wrong. It was the first time i got up and walked out of Sunday School too, because someone mentioned how he was never going to commit murder, but then he changed his mind because he might just kill his cat. THat just triggered the last bone i had in my body to keep me from breaking down in front of them so it left. But yeah i love how no one noticed, and how none of them bothered to talk to me any way. That was great. Whatever. Well i am gonna go. Hopefully the rest of this day is a little bit better because i dont think if i could handle anything else. I dont know how i am going to get throught the rest of band camp if i am this emotionally drained.
Later, Sara